Wife arrives home late at night from a business trip and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. But she notices four legs instead of two peeking from under the blanket!
Seized by a fit of rage, she reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket until the screaming stops. Still in shock, she lurches to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
- Oh welcome home darling, he says, your parents came for a visit, so I let them have our bedroom. I hope you said hello.
Teacher: Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!
Nobody stands up
Teacher: I'm sure there are some stupid students over here!!!
Little Johnny stands up.
Teacher: Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?
Little Johnny: No... I just feel bad that you're standing alone...
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A: Knock on the door.
An artist asked the gallery manager if anybody expressed interest in his paintings.
"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," said the owner. "The good one is that a gentleman liked your work and asked if its value would appreciate after your death. When I said yes, he bought all 20 of your paintings."
"But that's fantastic," whooped the artist. "What could possibly be the bad news?"
"The gentleman was your doctor."