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The artist

An artist asked the gallery manager if anybody expressed interest in his paintings.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," said the owner. "The good one is that a gentleman liked your work and asked if its value would appreciate after your death. When I said yes, he bought all 20 of your paintings."

"But that's fantastic," whooped the artist. "What could possibly be the bad news?"

"The gentleman was your doctor."

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Teacher asks too much

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"

Student: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Student: "Homework!"

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You are obese

Doctor: You are obese.

Patient: Whoa, for that I definitely want a second opinion.

Doctor: You're quite ugly, too.

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I want my money back

A man went to his lawyer and told him, 'My neighbour owes me £500 and he won't pay up. What should I do?'

'Do you have any proof he owes you the money?' asked the lawyer.

'Nope,' replied the man.

'OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,' said the lawyer.

'But it's only £500,' replied the man.

'Precisely. That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!'

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How to look sexy

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy... so I got drunk.

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