Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Doctor: You are obese.
Patient: Whoa, for that I definitely want a second opinion.
Doctor: You're quite ugly, too.
A man went to his lawyer and told him, 'My neighbour owes me £500 and he won't pay up. What should I do?'
'Do you have any proof he owes you the money?' asked the lawyer.
'Nope,' replied the man.
'OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,' said the lawyer.
'But it's only £500,' replied the man.
'Precisely. That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!'
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy... so I got drunk.
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.
The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says:
"Error. Not long enough."