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Teacher asks too much

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"

Student: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Student: "Homework!"

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You are obese

Doctor: You are obese.

Patient: Whoa, for that I definitely want a second opinion.

Doctor: You're quite ugly, too.

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I want my money back

A man went to his lawyer and told him, 'My neighbour owes me £500 and he won't pay up. What should I do?'

'Do you have any proof he owes you the money?' asked the lawyer.

'Nope,' replied the man.

'OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,' said the lawyer.

'But it's only £500,' replied the man.

'Precisely. That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!'

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How to look sexy

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy... so I got drunk.

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Set up new password

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.

The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says:

"Error. Not long enough."

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