I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting: "13...13...13...13".
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked trough to see what was going on.
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick, then they all started shouting: "14...14...14".
A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.
Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect.
So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.
Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands, "Stop That!"
The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"
Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."
An angel appears at a meeting of religious leaders and tells their leader that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behaviour, God will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.
Without hesitating, the leader selects infinite wisdom.
'Done!' says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.
Now, all heads turn toward the leader, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.
One of the others whispers, 'Say something.'
The leader sighs and says, 'I should have taken the money.'
It's the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
'No,' says the neighbour. 'The seat is empty.'
'This is incredible,' said the man. 'Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?'
The neighbour says, 'Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married.'
'Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?
The man shakes his head. 'No,' he says. 'They're all at the funeral.'