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To outrun a bear

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.

The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.

The second guy says, 'What are you doing? Sneakers won't help you outrun that bear.'

'I don't need to outrun the bear,' the first guy says. 'I just need to outrun you.'

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Most of the time, when you cry, nobody notices the tears you shed. Most of the time, when you're facing trouble, nobody feels your pain. But try farting in public just one time!

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Woman, man & insurance

Q: Do you know what a woman and insurance have in common?

A: They are both expensive, difficult to understand and what you get is not guaranteed.

Q: Do you know the difference between a man and a whole life policy?

A: A whole life policy eventually matures.

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Today at school

Mother, "How was school today, Patrick?"

Patrick, "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"

Mother, "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"

Patrick, "What school?"

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