It's the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
'No,' says the neighbour. 'The seat is empty.'
'This is incredible,' said the man. 'Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?'
The neighbour says, 'Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married.'
'Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?
The man shakes his head. 'No,' he says. 'They're all at the funeral.'
An elderly lady was concerned about her husband's hearing. It seemed that every time she would call him, he wouldn't respond. So, the lady went to the doctor to ask his advice.
The doctor said to her, "when you go home, tell your husband to stand at the end of the hallway, and you should stand at the other end. Ask him what he wants for dinner. Continue to move him closer towards you until he responds to your question so you know exactly how far away he is from you when he finally hears you."
She thought this was a great idea. When she got home, she placed her husband at the end of the hallway and yelled, "Herbert, what do you want for dinner?" There was no response. She moved 10 feet closer. Again she yelled, "Herbert, what do you want for dinner?" No response. She moved another 15 feet closer to where she was now practically face to face with her husband. She yelled even louder this time:
HERBERT, what do you want for dinner?"
Herbert yelled back at her, "For the THIRD time, I want chicken!"
Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesus is watching you."
In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesus is watching me?"
The parrot replied, "Yes."
Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?"
The parrot said, "Clarence."
The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesus."
Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course.
He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation.
His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I've ever seen. You are a very feeling man."
The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
A teenage boy to his father: "Father I am not a virgin anymore."
Father: "Wow that's great. Come let's sit down and drink something to celebrate this moment."
Son: "OK, I can drink with you but I really can not sit down for a while."