An elderly lady was concerned about her husband's hearing. It seemed that every time she would call him, he wouldn't respond. So, the lady went to the doctor to ask his advice.
The doctor said to her, "when you go home, tell your husband to stand at the end of the hallway, and you should stand at the other end. Ask him what he wants for dinner. Continue to move him closer towards you until he responds to your question so you know exactly how far away he is from you when he finally hears you."
She thought this was a great idea. When she got home, she placed her husband at the end of the hallway and yelled, "Herbert, what do you want for dinner?" There was no response. She moved 10 feet closer. Again she yelled, "Herbert, what do you want for dinner?" No response. She moved another 15 feet closer to where she was now practically face to face with her husband. She yelled even louder this time:
HERBERT, what do you want for dinner?"
Herbert yelled back at her, "For the THIRD time, I want chicken!"
Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesus is watching you."
In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesus is watching me?"
The parrot replied, "Yes."
Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?"
The parrot said, "Clarence."
The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesus."
Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course.
He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation.
His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I've ever seen. You are a very feeling man."
The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
A teenage boy to his father: "Father I am not a virgin anymore."
Father: "Wow that's great. Come let's sit down and drink something to celebrate this moment."
Son: "OK, I can drink with you but I really can not sit down for a while."
Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married.
"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."
Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you."
The couple asks, "Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?"
To which St. Peter answers, "It took me six months to find a priest up here - how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"