Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married.
"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."
Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you."
The couple asks, "Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?"
To which St. Peter answers, "It took me six months to find a priest up here - how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"
An old man lived alone in Tasmania. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Jase, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Jase, I am feeling pretty bad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year; I'm just getting to old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad.
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad, For heavens sake, don't dig up that garden, thats where I buried the BODIES. Love Jase.
At 4 a.m. the next morning, the Federal Police and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad. Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Jase.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was to live in North Korea.
He said he can't complain.
And God said to John: "Come forth and you shall be granted eternal life."
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. 'This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.'
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?'
The boy takes the quarters and leaves. 'What did I tell you?' said the barber. 'That kid never learns!'
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. 'Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'
The boy licked his cone and replied, 'Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!'