A shopkeeper was dismayed when a store opened next door with a huge sign that said, "BEST DEALS!"
To make things worse, another store opened on the other side with a huge sign reading "LOWEST PRICES!"
He nearly panicked until he had the idea to put up his own sign, bigger that the other two, that read "MAIN ENTRANCE."
Late one night a mugger wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Scandalized, the man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!"
"Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!"
Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.
The doctor said, "Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint, and a shovel."
Paddy asked, "And what do I do with these, doc?"
The doctor replied, "Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. That night if she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw," you hit her with the shovel."
Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems okay, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"Its pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."