An elderly man was on the operating table awaiting surgery to be performed by his son, a renowned surgeon.
Just before they would put him under, he asked to speak to his son:
"Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.
Two men are driving through London when they get pulled over by a cop. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his stick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the officer smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?".
The officer answers, "You're in London son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."
The officer does a check on the driver's license, and he's O.K... He gives the man his license back, walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the officer smacks him on the head with the stick.
The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"
The officer says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"
The officer says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your friend here, "I wish that a*shole would've tried that sh*t with me!"
When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbours can see there's no domestic violence going on.
When somebody makes you really angry, count to three.
When you get to two, punch them in the face. They won't be expecting that.