When somebody makes you really angry, count to three.
When you get to two, punch them in the face. They won't be expecting that.
A soldier, serving overseas far from home, was annoyed and upset when his girlfriend wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.
He went and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them together, and sent them back with a note saying:
I regret that I can't remember which one you are. Please keep your photo and return the others.
Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.
When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbours can see there's no domestic violence going on.
I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.