If you want to hear a very interesting story, send an SMS to your wife with the following text in the body: "I know everything"
Boy calls 911.
Boy: Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.
I'd like to buy a new boomerang please. Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away?
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you," I said.
Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV."
"Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed
An elderly man was on the operating table awaiting surgery to be performed by his son, a renowned surgeon.
Just before they would put him under, he asked to speak to his son:
"Don't be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me... your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."