I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
The Dalai Lama walks into an ice cream shop. He asks the server: "can you make me one with everything?"
He hands the server a hundred dollar bill, which the server pockets.
Dalai Lama says "Hey, where's my change?"
Server: "Change comes from within."
Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.
The doctor said, "Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint, and a shovel."
Paddy asked, "And what do I do with these, doc?"
The doctor replied, "Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. That night if she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw," you hit her with the shovel."
Late one night a mugger wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Scandalized, the man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!"
"Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!"
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a store opened next door with a huge sign that said, "BEST DEALS!"
To make things worse, another store opened on the other side with a huge sign reading "LOWEST PRICES!"
He nearly panicked until he had the idea to put up his own sign, bigger that the other two, that read "MAIN ENTRANCE."