How can you tell you have a really bad case of acne?
It's when the blind try to read your face.
A doctor tells a patient, "Sir, you are highly contagious and must be placed in isolation. Until we get in contact with the CDC, your diet will consist of pizza and fried eggs."
"Will that help me get better again?" asks the patient.
"Not really, but it's the only thing we can shove in under the door."
A man enters a store and says: "15 litres of wine, please."
"Did you bring a container for this?"
"You're speaking to it."
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Q: Whats the difference between a politician and a snail?
A: One is slimy, a pest, and leaves a trail everywhere and the other is a snail.