A man visits a doctor for a checkup. When it's over, the doctor tells him he has bad news. "You have only six months to live."
The man digests it for a while and then exclaims, "There's just one thing I can do, I have to become a Communist."
Surprised, the doctor asks, "But you've been a patriotic American all your life, why would you become a Communist now?"
The man says, "Better when one of them dies than one of us!"
Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
A real estate agent walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared. "I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But since Satan still hates me, for every wish you make, your rival gets the wish as well -- only double."
The salesman thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like $10 million," he said. Instantly, the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10 million had been deposited in it. "But your rival has just received $20 million" the genie said.
"I've always wanted a Ferrari," the salesman said. Instantly, a Ferrari appeared. "But your rival has just received two Ferraris," the genie said.
"And what is your last wish?" "Well," said the salesman, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for a transplant."
An optimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and thinks it's an exit.
A pessimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and assumes it is an onrushing train.
The train conductor sees two stupid guys staggering on train tracks.
Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?
A: Big hands.