A real estate agent walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared. "I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But since Satan still hates me, for every wish you make, your rival gets the wish as well -- only double."
The salesman thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like $10 million," he said. Instantly, the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10 million had been deposited in it. "But your rival has just received $20 million" the genie said.
"I've always wanted a Ferrari," the salesman said. Instantly, a Ferrari appeared. "But your rival has just received two Ferraris," the genie said.
"And what is your last wish?" "Well," said the salesman, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for a transplant."
A man noticed his credit card has been stolen - but he never reported it.
The thief was still spending considerably less than his wife.
Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?
A: Big hands.
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?".
Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'".
An optimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and thinks it's an exit.
A pessimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and assumes it is an onrushing train.
The train conductor sees two stupid guys staggering on train tracks.