He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
If you accidentally drop your iPhone in the water, leave it lying on top of a bowl of rice for 24 hrs.
The rice attracts Asians who will automatically fix your electronics for you.
Man: Hi, do you want to dance?
Woman: Yeah, sure!
Man: Great, go and dance, I want to talk to your friend!
My wife's cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.
Dad to his daughter: "If I wanted to commit suicide, I would climb up to the height of your ego and jump down to your IQ level."