Dad to his daughter: "If I wanted to commit suicide, I would climb up to the height of your ego and jump down to your IQ level."
Somebody broke into my house yesterday, and stole all my lamps.
I was delighted.
Farting in a lift is wrong on so many levels!
Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
A: She couldn't find the "10" button.
One cigarette shortens your life by two hours, one bottle of vodka by three hours, and a workday - eight hours.