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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness, is realising the other person was born an idiot.

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Yo momma is so fat

Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.

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Today at school

Mother, "How was school today, Patrick?"

Patrick, "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"

Mother, "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"

Patrick, "What school?"

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My grandmother is walking 5 miles a day

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.

She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is.

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Pamela wants to drive...

Pamela says on her 16th birthday: Daddy, don't you think I'm old enough to get my drivers' licence?

Father replies: You – yes. Our car – no.

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