Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.
The Dalai Lama walks into an ice cream shop. He asks the server: "can you make me one with everything?"
He hands the server a hundred dollar bill, which the server pockets.
Dalai Lama says "Hey, where's my change?"
Server: "Change comes from within."
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness, is realising the other person was born an idiot.
Mother, "How was school today, Patrick?"
Patrick, "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"
Mother, "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"
Patrick, "What school?"
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is.