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The early bird might...

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

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Buy wine

A man enters a store and says: "15 litres of wine, please."

"Did you bring a container for this?"

"You're speaking to it."

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Yo momma is so fat

Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.

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Pizza and fried eggs for the contagious patient

A doctor tells a patient, "Sir, you are highly contagious and must be placed in isolation. Until we get in contact with the CDC, your diet will consist of pizza and fried eggs."

"Will that help me get better again?" asks the patient.

"Not really, but it's the only thing we can shove in under the door."

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My grandmother is walking 5 miles a day

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.

She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is.

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