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Bad case of acne

How can you tell you have a really bad case of acne?

It's when the blind try to read your face.

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The early bird might...

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

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Pizza and fried eggs for the contagious patient

A doctor tells a patient, "Sir, you are highly contagious and must be placed in isolation. Until we get in contact with the CDC, your diet will consist of pizza and fried eggs."

"Will that help me get better again?" asks the patient.

"Not really, but it's the only thing we can shove in under the door."

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Live forever

I intend to live forever... or die trying.

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Whats the difference...

Q: Whats the difference between a politician and a snail?

A: One is slimy, a pest, and leaves a trail everywhere and the other is a snail.

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