Q: How can you tell a blonde is having a bad day?
A: She can't find her pencil and her tampon is behind her ear.
Q: Have you heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
A: There's no menu. You get what you deserve.
Q: What's the best thing about Switzerland?
A: I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
I've changed my car horn to a gunshot sound.
People move out of the way a lot faster now.
A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object.
"I do have three hearts," said the doctor.
"The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's $100,000.
The second is from a marathon runner, 25 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's $150,000.
The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, steak lover. It's $500,000."
"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"
"Yes, but it's from a lawyer. It's never been used."