Q. What's the worst thing about being lonely?
A. Playing Frisbee.
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it's not enough to say "NO".
You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary.
So these two roaches, Tom and Oscar, are hanging out next to a dumpster enjoying a snack. "Hey Tom" said Oscar to his friend, "You know that restaurant down the block? I went there yesterday to pick up some scraps, and I couldn't believe how clean it was, I could practically see my reflection through the shiny waxed floor."
"Oscar" hollered Tom, spitting the food out of his mouth, "please not while I am eating !!!"
Strong people don't put other people down. They lift them up and slam them to the ground for maximum impact.
A man visits a doctor for a checkup. When it's over, the doctor tells him he has bad news. "You have only six months to live."
The man digests it for a while and then exclaims, "There's just one thing I can do, I have to become a Communist."
Surprised, the doctor asks, "But you've been a patriotic American all your life, why would you become a Communist now?"
The man says, "Better when one of them dies than one of us!"