Pessimist: "Things just can't get any worse!"
Optimist: "Nah, of course they can!"
Some children can pee their names into snow. Chuck Norris pees his in cement.
Why was the feminist picnic cancelled?
Because nobody made sandwiches.
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should get the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in union, "Okay, dad. You get the toy."